was talking to davina yest abt pple getting emo...
n i kinda explained to her..
at least regarding pple like me...usually cancerians (though not all cancerians)(maybe juz one or two...yups)
so anyway...i think i'll juz use "I" myself in this case.....
basically i get emo for 2 reasons. it's either:
1)i'm insecure abt my relationship with pple. most of the time it's with frens...
or
2) i'm dun have confidence abt myself..feeling inferior to lots of others all of a sudden. eg..i can't perform as well as others... i juz can't get the results i wanted even though i work as hard...
let's talk abt point 2 first cuz it's simpler..
actually point 2 is juz when everything dun runs smoothly and i get demoralised and all that...
feel damn lousy abt myself and all that...
actually i believe many others (not juz cancerians) also experience that once in a while..
so...nth special...
Point 1 is actually a complicated one...which, after talking to davina, i more or less can confirm that it's really a born-with-it characteristic.
this means that not everyone will act this way...
it's kinda like uncontrollable...
the thing is that i'm not v confident about relationships esp frenship.
it's juz a very insecure thing to me.
pple come and go..
n even if i treat my frenship with them seriously..it's not necessary they are the same to me..
i guess it's a expectation problem...
because i treat frenship seriously..subconsiously i form an image on how my frens shld treat me.. but when they dun act the way i expect them to...it kinda comes to me as a disppointment..
n i start doubting this frenship...
"maybe they dun really treat me as a fren..."
that kind of thots juz appears in my mind...
n it affects my mood...
n then even some little unintentional acts will trigger off such thots...
for eg..not asking me out when there's a gathering..so i'm the only person who's left out...actually the frens din do it on purpose..(u know..sometimes pple juz forget..it's not on purpose)..but then when i found out, it juz hurts...
then sometimes i oso feel like a floater (as wat i will describe it)...
it's like i prob have a few clique of frens... sec frens, jc classmates, blk 14 frens, chipmunks and the sisters...
then sometimes i'll feel that i'm like floating btw the different groups...not sticking to one...
n that contributes to the insecurity part...
cuz ur frens know that u are with this group n then that's y sometimes they dun call u down for some gatherings..etc..
it's v hard to explain..
u probably think it's absurd..
but it does happen in me...
that's how my brain thinks n how my heart reacts...
u prob will say.."aiyo u too sensitive..dun think this way leh"
but then wat i wan to say is...sometimes it's really uncontrollable..the thots juz banged in...
then when feeling emo...i'll tend to be quieter...feel like self-isolating...
however, deep down..i'll still hope someone will notice me...will come and care for me...
that kind of feeling...
but then when somebody do care...then i'll pretend...give the heck care attitude...
ok..i know it's funny...
but that's really the truth...
ahahha... now i write i oso think it's funny...
dun worry pple...i'm not feeling emo or wat...
but i juz feel like explaining this... i dunno...i guess it juz trigger me off into writing this after talking to davina abt it...
cuz u see..u nv understand unless u r like me...
wat i'm trying to say i'm juz born with it...to think n feel that way...
trying to change n tried to change..but not much help...
hmm actually i think i did mange to change abit in a way...
the emo problem i mentioned above was more serious when i was back in sec sch...
but as i grow older, i came across more pple..n went thru a few frenships..successful ones and failed ones..
so it sort of let me 放开 (fang4 kai1) more...
last time it was harder for me to let go...that's y i get so emo..so upset abt it
but now i learn to let go..understand that some things are juz like that..u can't force it..
so yups...
but still still still...the sensitive part of me do attack me..though not as often now...
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once me n edith touched on this topic too...n we come to a conclusion...
what pple like me needs is juz reassurance...
n she did give me yest...
